Tips

for dealing with tragedy

Resources for Children, Parents, and Educators

from American Library Association &
Association for Library Services for Children

Dear Rotation.org and Sundaysoftware.com Friends & Subscribers,

The following email text may be of help to you and your teachers/parents as
the church deals with the tragedy of this past week. I have been in
discussion with many teachers and pastors around the country. This email
includes input from many of them.

This Sunday, my Sunday School will not be doing rotation workshops or using
software. We will be talking about the tragic events of this past week. The
Church has something to say and now is the time to begin to say it. The kids
need our love and our guidance.

This isn't meant to be a complete discussion. I trust you will fill in the
blanks.  At the end of my comments I have copied a very helpful set of
discussion guidelines sent to me by a C.E. friend, Delia Halverson.

<>< Neil MacQueen

---------------------------------------

1.   Do not assume teachers have adequately dealt with the need for
information and consolation.
I have three daughters in three different schools: Elementary, Jr. High and
High School.  Each has received a different experience of the information
and level to which teachers are offering perspective and consolation.  Each
has reacted to the events differently.

2.   Do not assume parents have adequately dealt with the need for
information and consolation, or even understand how to express what has
happened. We're human too and dealing with our own disbelief and emotions.

3.   Do not assume your children will KNOW how to feel about the tragedy. We
learn how to process feelings by growing up. It is a time marked by
confusion, repression, mood swings, even inappropriate responses. Part of
our task in Sunday School is to help create Christian feelings,
sensitivities, and responses. If these things were instinctual, Jesus and
the Church would not have been necessary!

4.   Do not assume that prayers and a few words in the children's sermon are
adequate means of addressing the tragedy. Many of our children do not know
how to pray their fears and anger. In fact, we need to let the children do
plenty of the talking, and not simply talk AT them. ....Listen.

5.   Developmentally speaking, we have our work cut out for us.

= Many Jr. Highs may simply be too cavalier or callous to the human
suffering side of the story. That's their world right now. They need it
personalized.

= Many younger elementary children sense the tension and sadness, but do not
understand the facts. My third grader heard a snippet from the TV that said
a game was cancelled in San Diego. She immediately thought San Diego had
been bombed and that upset her very much because that's where the polar
bears live at the zoo. Fears, even mis-informed fears, need to be comforted,
not just corrected.

= Many preschoolers may be afraid simply because mommy or daddy works in a
big building too.

= Two days later, many of us ADULTS are still experiencing a profound sense
of loss. I think it is important to share our personal emotions with our
children in appropriate ways. They may not fully understand them, but they
need to learn what is important to us, and how WE as their parents and
teachers deal with crisis and act out human emotions.

6. The theological dimensions of this tragedy cannot be overlooked.
Theological questions should not wait for emotions to subside. The intense
emotional memories being created this week can be life-long vessels for
greater wisdom about God and life.  That's not only a philosophical
statement, that's how the brain works.

Some possible discussion questions to help think theologically:

How does God feel right now?
What do you think God is doing right now to help survivors?  you?
What is happening in heaven right now with the victims?
What do you think God wants us to do to make things right again?
Why does God allow these things to happen?

For youth --
What is God saying to the hijackers now?
What are the victims and the hijackers saying to each other? What is God
going to do with the hijackers?
Why does God allow these things to happen? How is God able to heal us?

Other appropriate questions --
What were you doing when you first heard the news? What was your first
reaction?
How have your emotions changed over the last several days?
How can tragedies make you stronger person? Closer to God?
What can you take away from this tragedy to make your life and the life of
others better?
What has the tragedy brought out in people that has been good?  Bad?

7.  I recommend that you invite parents to sit in on your discussion if
possible, or at least come in at the conclusion. They need to know what you
said to their children. You might also give them some follow-up suggestions.

======================

8.  The following came in an email to me from Delia Halverson a respected CE
writer and teacher. It is VERY helpful.

Delia writes....

NEEDS OF CHILDREN IN CRISIS:

Love - They need to know your love, not showering with gifts but physical
love.

Assurance - They need to have assurance of their own safety, but avoid being
overprotective so that they are afraid to leave your side.

Conversation - Keep the lines of communication open.  Don't spend all your
spare time glued to the television. Use such things as selecting pictures in
a book to drawing pictures to express feelings.  Then talk about the
pictures.  Take the lead from the child as to how much they need to talk
about and know about the situation.  Keep answers to questions simple,
giving only what is needed.  Listen to comments of children as they play -
are there clues here that need further conversation?

Expression of feelings - Use opportunities for children to express feelings,
such as: toys, puppets, books, music, water play, play dough, painting,
puzzles (creating order out of chaos).  Let children know that you have some
of the same feelings they have.  Be honest about your feelings, but temper
them with recognition that God loves even those who have harmed us. God
doesn't like their actions, but God continues to love.

Prayer - Pray as a family.  Pray for those injured, those whose family
members were injured or killed, those who are making decisions, and also
those who planned and carried out such an injustice.  Keep prayers simple,
simply talking to God.  It's OK to tell God about your feelings too.
Children may want to write out prayers as if writing a letter to God.

God's love - They need to know that God loves with a happy heart and with a
sad heart.  Right now God is loving with a sad heart.  We don't understand
why this happened.  We don't believe that this was what God wanted or
planned to happen.  We will never understand why it happened.  But we do
know that God is sad, not only sad for those whose families were killed, but
also sad for the people who planned and carried out these acts.  God wanted
them to be happy people who loved others, but something went wrong.

Older children can understand the concept of the three wills of God.
1. God's Original Will - that we choose to live together peacefully, loving
and caring for each other.
2. God's Circumstantial Will - A part of that original will, however, is
that we all have our own free will.  We are free to choose things that will
be helpful to others and things that will be hurtful to others.  In these
circumstances, some people chose to do things that were very hurtful to
others.
3. God's Ultimate Will - If we allow God to work through us, we can become
stronger people because of the circumstances that did happen, and we will
have a stronger faith (or relationship with God) because we have lived
through this. (Adapted from THE WILL OF GOD by Leslie Weatherhead.)

Focus - Children need something aside from the crisis on which to focus their
attention. This is a good time to carry out a mission project as a family.

Suggest some local
~ mission they may participate in or one of following:
~ grow a garden and give food to others
~ supply a meal for someone, bake something for someone
~ adopt a room or flower bed at church to work on
~ plant a tree or care for yard of some older person
~ pray for missionary.

Reality - Children may have trouble distinguishing between TV shows that
blow up buildings and the factual news reports of this event.  Yes, this
really did happen.  It is a sad time, but we will come through it with God's
help.

Stability - There is something about the routine schedule that makes it
settling.  This can be an anchor to help the child realize that life can and
will go on.

Quiet times - In the confusion the crisis, children and adults alike need
quiet times.

Some additional thoughts:
Two main questions they're likely to have, whether they communicate those
questions or not:
Will this happen to me or to someone I love?  (We don't expect it to.  You
are always loved and have a loving circle of family and friends.) Why does
God make/allow this to happen?  (We don't believe that God made this
happen - see will of God above.)

A young child cannot understand "We just have to trust in God."  They trust
in parents and parents protect them.  Did the thousands who were killed not
trust in God too?

If you remember any fears at the time of another tragedy.

Delia Halverson, Faith Discovery Ministries, samandee2@cs.com

------------------------------

<>< Neil MacQueen
sundaysoft@ee.net

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WANDERING THE WEB

Helping Children After a Disaster
http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/disaster.htm
Includes changes in behavior to watch for and links to additional info
on sleep disturbances and how children handle grief.

Information about Children & Grief
http://users.erols.com/lgold/info.htm
Includes ways of dealing with terrorism and trauma.

Children and Grief
http://www.hospicenet.org/html/children.html
Explores feelings of young children.

Bandaids & Blackboards
http://www.faculty.fairfield.edu/fleitas/contents.html
Explores chronic illness or other medical problems for school-aged students;
includes areas for children, teens, and adults.

The Kid’s Place
http://www.kidsplace.org/
Support center for grieving children and their families in Edmond, OK;
provides bibliography of resources dealing with grief.

Dealing with Feelings
http://www.kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/
Includes section on school violence.

Anti-Hate in Communities
http://home.earthlink.net/~jsalmons/Anti_Hate/Communities/communities.html
Links for those who want to overcome prejudice and fear and embrace diversity.

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